Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Chet's day of Reckoning


Graeme Smith literally called Bhajji a wanker. He stopped short of calling the Indian attack useless and claimed they could not take 20 SA wickets. He warned Amla would shoot thuderbolts thru his arse and spit fire when he batted (well he nearly did).

In short he insulted the entire Indian team which has been No 1 in cricket for the past year or so. This he did after the first Test match. This is unusual.

A captain is usually required to provide his reading and insights off a game. He is not supposed to sledge in a Press Conference.

Yesterday India got them out for 131 and took a 74 run lead. They had a opportunity to rub his nose into dirt. Conclusively shut his filthy mouth and probably get one or two back at him. He ha been Zaheer's bunny for past one year or so. They should have made him eat his shitty and condescending words and provided some respite for their bowlers who broke their back again defending a meagre total.

Instead they were 84/4 by end of play.

Bloody arse wipes.

I have seen SRT and RD play better attacks with better application. If you claim to be No 1 batting unit then for God's sake play like one.

Now all hopes rest on Chet Pujara and VVS. Hope they have a gem up their sleeves. I am usually good at predicting and I have a feeling Pujara' got a big one coming.

He needs only to score 60-70 runs for India to win this one. 60-70 in SA is equal to 150 in India. With a bit of luck he should do it. What makes me believe in Pujara against world's best bowling attack? After all it's his 2nd test and he didn't fair all that well in first innings.

He is a quiet, unassuming young man brought up in a middle class family with budget strings. He is not flashy and has been looked over quiet a few times in team selections despite big runs and the credentials for test cricket. The flashier and more unworthy ones (Like Raina, Kohli and Yuvraj) have often got chances. He has been waiting 2 years. He had the best CV in business but never really landed up the job.

This probably happens to 90% of deserving cricketers. Its really his response which is interesting to watch.

After every selectorial snub he's went back and piled on double centuries. He was accused of being good only of flat decks, so he went and scored a double on a Bhubhaneshwar ripper and nobody else crossed 50. The anger and injustice he felt were channeled on hapless domestic bowlers. He toured with A teams, scored in India, scored outside, scored in Baroda, scored out of Baroda.

It happened more than once that news of another of his tons filtered in when a selector was busy explaining his absence. He didn't knock on the door of opportunity. He bloody brought it down with a sledgehammer.

In Durban sometime today he will meet his destiny. He will face a severe test of skills and application and some rib cracking bouncers. But the good thing is mentally he won't be afraid. He has faced enough abuse /pain of people ignoring his achievements and being looked over. Durban in comparison is a walkover. This is all anybody who devotes his life to cricket hope for or fight for. A chance on the big stage. A chance of glory. A chance to smite your detractors on their smug piggy faces. This is your show and the mere thought of going back to the dust bowls of Ranji should egg him on. Playing before 20,000 is better than 20 people. And never let the bloody selectors decide your fate again.

He is way too modest to think like what I wrote. In all it's probability he will remember his deceased mother, pray to the God and go apply himself best. And this is what champions generally do apart from silly Hollywood movies. Make no mistake he is one in making.

Go Chet go. I will have beer on you...

Saturday, December 18, 2010


काली घटा घट रैन अँधेरी
बरस डरावे बादालिया...

प्रीतम मत परदेस पधारो...

Sanam Marawi

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Balls of Steel



The trouble with people is not that they don't know, but that they know so much that ain't so. ~Josh Billings


When I started a blog, I vowed that it would never refer to anything related to current affairs. This was how I aspired to be 'different' or how I wanted my blog to be percieved.

It is not to earn money, neither fame nor to attract attention. At best it allows me to peer deeply into my life, connect dots and be a moving repository of my life. More importantly it allow me to write. Life takes us to strange places and mine is no different. In an ideal world I would be a writer and I'd be perfectly happy just getting by with whatever meager earning potential I might have.
But it is not an ideal world and but the good thing I can still do what I want to. Also being in a profession might force me to write on a specific set of subjects which are 'commercial' in nature and can be monetized. World is replete with examples when the best works have been produced with carefree and uncluttered minds. So the situation here is not that all bad.

Or so I console myself.

Sometimes this dreary world throws up individuals who jolt your thinking. The ones who move out of the herd and 'THINK'. They jolt your consciousness and shake your beliefs. You wonder at their recklessness, their brashness, free spirit and the strength of their beliefs. Their is a strong tendency of people to follow such people. They are called 'Leaders'.

Julian Assange


You have made me break one of my vows. I am mentioning you.

This calls for clearing up certain facts.

I do not necessarily agree with his beliefs. Nor do I believe that releasing some sleazy diplomatic backdoor Page 3 masala necessarily defines truth.

OK so a few army guys fucked up. They killed wrong guys. They sometimes had racial intones in their acts. The world is full of such psychos and I am not shocked. Tell me one war in the history of mankind which was 'clean'. Releasing such videos did no one good other than causing grief to their already bereaved families. Sometimes things are left best unexplained.

I have encountered more instances of regionalism and professional fuck ups my life to believe otherwise that it is rampant. So why expect Army to be any clean or be better? People get all worked up because it involve lives and futures of people, especially the near and dear ones of the affected.

..so is the case when you deny the rightful opportunity to the most deserving based on your prejudices for anything in this world, a job, an accomodation, insurance or an business opportunity.

Then what makes me a fan of this man? Here's is what his mom says:

Ms Assange, who bought Julian his first computer at age 13, said her son had been a curious child, raised to believe evil flourished when good men did nothing.

"Whether you agree with what Julian does or not, living by what you believe in and standing up for something is a good thing," she said.

"He sees what he's doing as doing a good thing in the world, fighting baddies, if you like."

Living by what you believe in and standing up for something is a good thing

No Mr Assange you deserve a mention because of your guts. You became a father at 18. You left college to take care of your son at 18 when his mother left him. You were mature beyond your years. Not many people at 18 have that kind maturity or balls to take that kind of decisions in life. It would have been easy to panic or think you've been done for. I get a shiver when I imagine myself in your shoes.

You and your son studied in the same college. It's hard to study at that age and to cope with all those young turks and all the advances that education has made. And now you have caught the most co-ordinated and savvy nation in the history of mankind with it's pants down.

Living by what you believe in and standing up for something is a good thing

Not everyone is right or right all time. But this world be a far more better place if everybody did that. See most of the most evil things we have been responsible for as a species or culture got on unchecked because collectively we did not do what we should have. Nazis, eugenics, Hiroshima, Dark ages or the recent financial meltdown are good examples.

It took some very brave and enterprising individuals to turn the tide. They frequently had to part with their lives because their were not enough people standing up with them. For Julian Assange this is a real threat right now. Most of the shameful things wouldn't have grown bigger if somebody had called their bluff earlier. For the examples I quoted the German proletariat, the literati, Oppenheimer, and the general populace are to be blamed.

US has unwittingly involved itself in the biggest war after the Cold war era. It is still in infancy but I reckon it would get bigger. You could argue the effect is not direct on the economies or day to day life. But that is only because it still hasn't grown bigger.

There are probably thousands of computer nerds and kids with misguided or no sense of purpose in life waiting for this. Suddenly Assange is the leader they have been waiting for. Suddenly now they have a purpose in life. Purportedly millions of dollars have already been spent or wasted thru hacking or financial and political machinations in the past few weeks depending on whether you are US govt or the anonymous group of hackers who have taken it on themselves to represent Assange.

I doubt if Assange would approve that. If he's got his priorities right, he wouldn't.

Every dollar could have been better utilized to reduce hunger or provide schooling or any of the million good things you could do in the world.

All of this for a bunch of Diplomatic Page 3 cables.

The stupidity of us as a culture continues to stump me. Rightly Einstein said once that Human stupidity is infinite.

He's been branded as a twisted person, a loner, rapist (by a bunch of females who can't seem decided on whether they want it done with or without a condom). Recently some hacker released a video showing one of the rape victims applauding and generally appearing moonstruck at one of the hotels where Assange delivered a press conference right after the night of purported rape incident. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't proud of being labeled so and derided generally. To put an entire country shivering and purporting to such feeble intimidatory PR tactics is commendable. I mean you have loads of shit faced PR and spin doctors on your payroll. They love opportunities when they can earn their salaries.

"I'm concerned it's gotten too big and the forces that he's challenging are too big."

You are right Mrs Assange. Now that US has gotten into a tangle and it will pull back and do the right thing, which it should have done earlier had it been smart. They will lock Assange and wait for the all the cables to pour out and wait and wait till the media gets bored and then wait some more.

They will imprison him or keep him locked up till he loses his mind, influence and public interest. Then they will destroy his beautiful and free mind.

I just hope Assange has something really shitty and important in those bloody cables. Something so embarrassing and dirty that it may have ramifications beyond reckoning for US and the world. Something which will help him avoid the destiny he seem to be destined hurtling into. That will be the only thing he can trade in order for his freedom.

If he has a trump card I do not want to know it. The world does not need to know it. That is the only way this man can ensure his freedom and not rot away in some cell in some non descript high security prison. He has done enough. A lot of governments have been shaken from their comfortable perches. I hope he ensures his freedom and trades his last hand.

The world will miss out on the knowledge and it may never come to light. But then we never deserved it, have we?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Professional



"A bad boss is a disease of the soul"

Jack welch


How true is this? Very...

And if you are interested in the movie by the same name, I would recommend it. it's a beautifully scripted movie coupled by splendid acting.

You spend 1/3rd of your adult life in a job. So all those poseurs saying that their job is just a means for subsistence are actually frittering away their a third of life. I'd be alarmed and I'd stay away.

Equally important is the role of a 'Boss' in your life. Anybody who has achieved anything in this life in a sustainable and long term manner would attest to that fact. We do need a role model, don't we?
I spent an afternoon getting my ears traumatized hearing the travails of my friend.
He went on and on about how fucked up his job was, how painful his life and on and on...

I normally hate spending my time like this. But he is a friend and I had to help, but sadly I couldn't. The fact he is my friend doesn't mean he' got his priorities right. I know his tendency to shrink from work, and be on the lookout for the next big opportunity. He lacks focus and doesn't love anything in this world at all.

The fact I wrote that doesn't absolve / indict his boss or make my friend a lesser person in my eyes. He daily drove freaking 20 KM to pick me up for tutions which normally he'd have bunked during my college days. I love him to bits.

However this bit is for people who don't quite get the meaning of 'the job'. Since it is nearly 1/3rd of your adult life this piece is also a bit about 'The Life'. People don't quite get it. The ones who get it don't spread it. It is a world's best kept secret that you reward behavior not talent in case you had to pick one of the two. In a ideal case you'd expect both from a person.

Look at Steve Jobs if you don't believe me. He got thrown out of his own company.

People don't realise that they THEY and only THEY are responsible for the up and downs of their life, including their professional life.

So if you feel your boss is bad and the job sucks its because you chose to be within this mess. If you are not smart enough to bail out or if you have not managed to build a productive environment with your boss it's your fault. It would be worthwhile to look inside yourselves too!

The world' a tough tough place. At every level there are people stuck in their jobs, unable to figure the 'what next' and 'how' of life. You need to be able to deal with these types and if you can help them. Be sure they will help you too.

'Professionalism'. People take ages to learn it's meaning. This is something which people or your boss would never teach you. You have to figure out yourself. And once you do, you have to see if the environment where you work, promotes it and rewards it. I didn't write 'The company' or 'the HR' simply because they really don't matter. it 'The Enivorment' meaning your boss or whoever you feel is the stakeholder.

I love what I do, whatever it is. If I don't, I usually bail out quickly (even in the matters of the heart!). Often I am derided when I feel frustrated with it. For me the entire point is stupid.

There are people I love. How many time have I not been cross at the same people? Does that mean I start hating them now? Similarly my job frustrates me, challenges me and sometimes drives me mad. It definitely doesn't mean I don't love doing it. In fact it simply make it more humane for me.

Very often people don't get this.

This brings me to the topic of the day: The Boss. Being a boss is very much akin to being an entrepreneur. It involves having vision, taking risks, growing people, getting performance, ability to put your own ideas into place and being responsible for your own people.

The last one is a tricky one.

People often (esp newbies or fachhhas) often mistake their bosses for their parents. So if there's an issue with their cab, or if they have issues with finance, or if they want a nappy change they run to him.

You must realize that the only thing a boss is expected to take care of is your career and mentoring. For the rest HR is specifically created for such things.

Being a boss also means being a leader. His job is also to groom people, recognize your aptitude and to mentor his wards appropriately. Most of the conflict arise when your Boss fails in the above mentioned aspects...
or...
you dont have grip on your own capabilities and temper your expectations. A majority of people do not have an idea of the path they wish to tread. Mostly they do things because the rest of the world is doing the same and they are mainly driven by herd mentality.

If you don't trust your Boss with the career path he elects for you then it is time for change. If you find yourselves changing job every other year, then stand on your head till you figure whats wrong.

No matter how unpleasant a person is, I have found that if you make his life easier he is bound to reward you. Lots of people are shit at reading people. Personally nothing' more fascinating to me. It comes with practice, experience and some falls.

I am bored now and hence (thankfully!) I am going to summarize.

If in general you can't understand or trust your boss or have any inclination to do so, stop working. You are not going to make it far. Note: Trust does not mean 'Not challenge' or 'Don't Ask'.

If you don't have an idea and do not care about where you want to head professionally stop working.

If you in general hate being in a job and the monotonous (it' only monotonous because you are not brilliant) routine, stop working.

If you are not proud of what you've done (Of course you dont have to shove whatever you've done under people's noses) stop working

I have theory. Anybody who's not good at having good relationships in office must also suck in his personal life. Because the main pillars for any professional life is being patient, being selfless and understanding people. I can't believe you could be good at one and not at another.

Of course that how you make your bonus.


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Lover, I'm on the street
Gonna go where the bright lights
And the big city meet
With a red guitar...on fire
Dessssiiiirrrrrrreeeeee....

U2, Bono

Monday, December 6, 2010

"It is his capacity for self-improvement and self-redemption which most distinguishes man from the mere brute..."
Aung Sang Suu Kyi

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

C and H

Love the perspective and 'Worldly Gyaan' that Watterson sometimes squeezed into his strips...


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

IITK

Loved it! Found it on FB on somebody's profile...

Enjoy!!
Up the steps of the church, through the fields in the dirt
In the dark, I have seen that the sun still shines for the one who believe

So far away, so full of doubt you needed proof
Just close your eyes and hear the sound inside of you

Ring the bells, ring 'em loud, let them ring here and now
Just reach out and ring the bells of freedom
When your world comes crashing down, like you've lost every round
Stand the ground and ring the bells of freedom

Bon Jovi

Friday, October 22, 2010

"But sometime I can fly"

Its been a looonngg time since I have seen a sport ad based on purest principals...
No flabby and shallow faced cricketers to tell you how to feel about or educate you on sport. Just a random kid on the park enjoying the tumble.

"But sometime I can fly", Oh Boy! it did touch me!!

Enjoy!!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Silence of the Lambs and the temptress called luck..

For a long time I have wondered what makes people successful. People talk of luck being a major factor. When I was in college I scoffed at that. But since then I have modified my views. Luck plays its part but it still is not the determining differentiator.

I have discovered along the way that tenacity, discipline and quick and structured thinking play a very important part. I have met many successful people who wont confess to being 'thinkers', but their is nothing in their approach to problem solving that suggests otherwise. What I have realized is that they have not consciously trained themselves to do it and are plain gifted that way.

Even the maniacally aggressive 'Viru Sehwag' thinks. It's pretty sad to live in a cricket mad country where only a small percentage understand the game as such. In a brief and illuminating interview Akash Chopra (Viru's opening partner for many years) laid out Viru's thinking and lot many friends of mine were shocked. Sure he has a radically different approach to batting, but yes he had one and he was not a wham-bam guy they thought him to be.

Next can we mere mortals learn to develop this? The answer is yes. The trick to this to be conscientious about yourself and be fearless about your own inabilities. What you can't face, you can't defeat! People in general are ashamed of 'admitting' their weakness or judge a person who is frank about his frailties as weak. But then successful people or people with fire in their belly are not dime-a-dozen, are they?

It's very difficult to do this. I am not in a Philosophical mood to dish this. I speak from the experience of trying to implement this for last 6 years. :D

Maybe thats for another post...

Just a short passage I found in 'Silence of the Lambs' from Thomas Harris. I liked it maybe because it agrees with my experiences...
Oh God! I am psychoanalyzing again. Novel hangover I guess...

The part refers on how to deal with situations in life particularly when you are stressed or are affected by emotions, Anger, disappointment, Betrayal, frustration, when you are cheated, When you are robbed etc etc. Its far important to understand the person or situation or in psychology terms the 'causal agent'. Because ultimately its your balance of 'id-ego-super ego' which determines your long term mental make up and ultimately probability of achieving success.

The conversation takes between Clarence Stirling, a trainee FBI agent (a.k.a Jodie Foster) and Jack Crawford (Special agent and Head of Behavioral Science) when Clarence is agitated. Hope you enjoy!

...

Crawford, ever wary of desire, knew how badly he wanted to be wise. He knew that a middle-aged man can be so desperate for wisdom he may try to make some up, and how deadly that can be to a youngster who believes him. So he spoke carefully, and only of things he knew.

What Crawford told her on that mean street in Baltimore he had learned in a succession of freezing dawns in Korea, in a war before she was born. He left the Korea part out, since he didn't need it for authority.

"This is the hardest time, Starling. Use this time and it'll temper you. Now's the hardest test--- not letting rage and frustration keep you from thinking. It's the core of whether you can command or not. Waste and stupidity get you the worst. Chilton's a God damned fool and he may have cost Catherine Martin her life. But maybe not. We're her chance. Starling, how cold is liquid nitrogen in the lab?"

"What? Ah, liquid nitrogen... minus two hundred degrees Centigrade, about. It boils at a little more than that."

"Did you ever freeze stuff with it?"

"Sure."

"I want you to freeze something now. Freeze the business with Chilton. Keep the information you got from Lecter and freeze the feelings. I want you to keep your eyes on the prize, Starling. That's all that matters. You worked for some information, paid for it, got it, now we'll use it. It's just as good--- or as worthless--- as it was before Chilton messed in this. We just won't get any more from Lecter, probably. Take the knowledge of Buffalo Bill you got from Lecter and keep it. Freeze the rest. The waste, the loss, your anger, Chilton. Freeze it. When we have time, we'll kick Chilton's butt up between his shoulder blades. Freeze it now and slide it aside. So you can see past it to the prize, Starling. Catherine Martin's life. And Buffalo Bill's hide on the barn door. Keep your eyes on the prize. If you can do that, I need you."

.....

"I want you to keep your eyes on the prize"---I like it :) Gotta sleep now. Got Cricket practice at 6.

Been a long time since any author hit me. Particularly after Crichton passed away losing his battle with cancer. Onto 'Hannibal' now Mr Harris.



Saturday, October 16, 2010

Time is the healer...
Time moves on
Time dont wait for anyone

Tell me you'll be back ,
But that will take some time...
I am waiting...


Colonial Cousins

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I light a candle ,
in the garden of love ,
to blind the angels,
Looking down from above...

I want, I need
The fruit of your VINE
It tastes so bitter sweet
Coz I know it's not mine...

Hit the lights...
And I'll come crawling through your window tonight,
Come on and send the sign,
I'll be your dirty little secret and you'll be mine...

You got me knock knock knocking at your door
And I'll be coming back for more
We made a promise and we'll keep it
Our dirty little secret...

Bon Jovi

Friday, October 8, 2010

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore... Dream... Discover...

-- Mark Twain

Monday, October 4, 2010

Tere TANN mein, Tere MANN mein
Tere ghar ko Aag lag jaaye

Aur tujhe jaag na aaye...

Noorie

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Monday, September 13, 2010

Jo na jaane haqq ki Taaqat
Rab na debe usko Himmat


Hum mann ke dariya mein doobe...
Kaisi naiyya, kya mazdaar...

Bas Kari ho yaar...

Coke Studio

Monday, September 6, 2010

Freedom of Thought

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err. It passes my comprehension how human beings, be they ever so experienced and able, can delight in depriving other human beings of that precious right.”

Mahatma Gandhi

Sometimes you need to go alone... I've figured that out pretty early.

There are people in this world who hate to be pushed out of their comfort zones. In fact a majority of them couldn't care much. Most of them would gladly follow a written word ..Unquestioningly

They will crush a spark if they see it. Because they are scared of it. Because they have killed their own a long time ago. They have stopped feeling how it is to be alive or in Job's words 'Foolish'...

From our childhood we are conditioned to think that mistakes are fatal...We are constantly in a rat race... Who gets the most in the maths test? Who gets to stand in the podium? IITs, Engg, Medical, The best salary, the best package, the biggest car, the biggest house, the prettiest wife, the smartest kids...

And so we tread the trusted path, the price of a mistake is too much! And we ridicule the ones who dare think otherwise... There is a certain stigma associated with people who take risks...We almost want them to fail and at the same time are scared of them... What if they bloody succeed?
So we wait for them to fail... "See I bloody told 'ya!"

That's not the worst piece of the story. The worst piece is when people beat or subdue others who dare think differently. This is really easy when the oppressor is on a higher pedestal of influence by virtue of his professional or personal position.

And slowly we kill the spark in individuals...And make them into social clones..Really the world has never figured out the phrase 'Performance management', else why would there be discontent in this world?

I am dissapointed today. But yes I know what to do. I won't tie a band around my eyes and blindly follow the line. Maybe I'll fail and maybe this is all foolish. But yes, I will do the right thing...And I never had a great track record of following orders and so far this has not failed me...Why change now? Its more fun this way!


Friday, September 3, 2010

I've been knocked out so many times
Counted out 6, 7, 8, 9
Written off like some bad deal..
If you're breathing you know how it feels...
Call it Karma, Call it Luck
Me, I just dont give a ****

Bon Jovi

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I wonder how? I wonder why?
Yesterday you told me about the blue- blue sky...
And all that I can see is just another lemon tree...

Fool's Garden

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits...

T. A. Edison

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Madhosh hoon...
Gum hoon kahin...
Aao yahan, yun hi kabhi

Khamosh hoon, hoon bekarar
Aao yahan, tum ek baar
Aansoon me chupe
hain saare gham
Chahat teri na ho kam, bas yahi dua

Bichad ke bhi.....

chup main nahi, na bezubaan
kuch to sunu, yuhin sahi
keh do jo tum, bas ek baar
mere ho tum, yun hi kabhi

Call

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

At the stroke of the midnight hour.........

This speech always manages to tingle me and inspire me in the today's cliched world... Enjoy!

Long years ago we made a tryst with destiny, and now the time comes when we shall redeem our pledge, not wholly or in full measure, but very substantially. At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends, and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance. It is fitting that at this solemn moment we take the pledge of dedication to the service of India and her people and to the still larger cause of humanity.

At the dawn of history India started on her unending quest, and trackless centuries are filled with her striving and the grandeur of her success and her failures. Through good and ill fortune alike she has never lost sight of that quest or forgotten the ideals which gave her strength. We end today a period of ill fortune and India discovers herself again. The achievement we celebrate today is but a step, an opening of opportunity, to the greater triumphs and achievements that await us. Are we brave enough and wise enough to grasp this opportunity and accept the challenge of the future?

Freedom and power bring responsibility. The responsibility rests upon this Assembly, a sovereign body representing the sovereign people of India. Before the birth of freedom we have endured all the pains of labour and our hearts are heavy with the memory of this sorrow. Some of those pains continue even now. Nevertheless, the past is over and it is the future that beckons to us now.

That future is not one of ease or resting but of incessant striving so that we may fulfil the pledges we have so often taken and the one we shall take today. The service of India means the service of the millions who suffer. It means the ending of poverty and ignorance and disease and inequality of opportunity. The ambition of the greatest man of our generation has been to wipe every tear from every eye. That may be beyond us, but as long as there are tears and suffering, so long our work will not be over.

And so we have to labour and to work, and work hard, to give reality to our dreams. Those dreams are for India, but they are also for the world, for all the nations and peoples are too closely knit together today for any one of them to imagine that it can live apart Peace has been said to be indivisible; so is freedom, so is prosperity now, and so also is disaster in this One World that can no longer be split into isolated fragments.

To the people of India, whose representatives we are, we make an appeal to join us with faith and confidence in this great adventure. This is no time for petty and destructive criticism, no time for ill-will or blaming others. We have to build the noble mansion of free India where all her children may dwell.

The appointed day has come-the day appointed by destiny-and India stands forth again, after long slumber and struggle, awake, vital, free and independent. The past clings on to us still in some measure and we have to do much before we redeem the pledges we have so often taken. Yet the turning-point is past, and history begins anew for us, the history which we shall live and act and others will write about.

It is a fateful moment for us in India, for all Asia and for the world. A new star rises, the star of freedom in the East, a new hope comes into being, a vision long cherished materializes. May the star never set and that hope never be betrayed!

We rejoice in that freedom, even though clouds surround us, and many of our people are sorrowstricken and difficult problems encompass us. But freedom brings responsibilities and burdens and we have to face them in the spirit of a free and disciplined people.

On this day our first thoughts go to the architect of this freedom, the Father of our Nation [Gandhi], who, embodying the old spirit of India, held aloft the torch of freedom and lighted up the darkness that surrounded us. We have often been unworthy followers of his and have strayed from his message, but not only we but succeeding generations will remember this message and bear the imprint in their hearts of this great son of India, magnificent in his faith and strength and courage and humility. We shall never allow that torch of freedom to be blown out, however high the wind or stormy the tempest.

Our next thoughts must be of the unknown volunteers and soldiers of freedom who, without praise or reward, have served India even unto death.

We think also of our brothers and sisters who have been cut off from us by political boundaries and who unhappily cannot share at present in the freedom that has come. They are of us and will remain of us whatever may happen, and we shall be sharers in their good and ill fortune alike.

The future beckons to us. Whither do we go and what shall be our endeavour? To bring freedom and opportunity to the common man, to the peasants and workers of India; to fight and end poverty and ignorance and disease; to build up a prosperous, democratic and progressive nation, and to create social, economic and political institutions which will ensure justice and fullness of life to every man and woman.

We have hard work ahead. There is no resting for any one of us till we redeem our pledge in full, till we make all the people of India what destiny intended them to be. We are citizens of a great country on the verge of bold advance, and we have to live up to that high standard. All of us, to whatever religion we may belong, are equally the children of India with equal rights, privileges and obligations. We cannot encourage communalism or narrow-mindedness, for no nation can be great whose people are narrow in thought or in action.

To the nations and peoples of the world we send greetings and pledge ourselves to cooperate with them in furthering peace, freedom and democracy.

And to India, our much-loved motherland, the ancient, the eternal and the ever-new, we pay our reverent homage and we bind ourselves afresh to her service.


15th Aug 1947

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Monday, May 3, 2010

"Steady boy...Focus..and keep your eyes on the ball..steady now"
Patil sir
New start today and new goals...

To Sir with love...Part II

I took in the room. It was spartan but filled with army memorabilia. Later I would learn stories of how a bad shoulder would render Patil sir out of army service. How he preferred a teacher's job to a desk job in army in some ramshackle office in a non descript army building.

"How's your nose? Does it still hurt?" He asked
I told him it didn't. Then I told him how much I loved playing. We discussed various teams, and I told him I rooted for Italy. How cool Paolo Maldini was and how I felt frustrated at being left out.

He told me that he wasn’t going to pick me anyway in the team as he wanted a minimum of 4 km from all his players. He told me that my body was too rigid and not fluid and that I was uncoordinated.

“Then why did you invite me to the trials?”

“Because I wanted you to experience the situation. Did you not like it? What if you had managed to stop those kicks. The very guys who had hooted you would have slapped your back.”

“There’s a saying that the higher you fly the harder you fall. But I’d like to believe that it’s the very depth of our experiences that separates a man from the imposter he masquerades as, or believes himself to be. You are in a tough situation as I understand. It can make you or break you. And the funny part is, it is totally up to you.”

I didn’t understand it at that point. He asked me about my family and other general chit chat till our PT period ended.

Few days later I heard our class teacher Mr Panchram tell a story about Patil sir. Lt. Patil as he was known then apparently carried a severely injured friend of his thru 30 KMs of jungle terrain somewhere in NE

..with a bullet in his shoulder.

I was walking home that day and imagining how hard and painful it would have been. It was difficult to imagine such grit and bloody mindedness from the almost laid back demeanor people had come to associate with Patil sir. My heart welled with his respect. It is then I recalled his statement. About being under cosh and how it and how it made or broke people.

I wanted to be in the team. It was a crazy thought. But I just wanted it so bad.

That night I remember dreaming about being in army. I dreamed about playing football and scoring goals.

Over the next few years I had multiple opportunities to see the injury whenever I saw him sleeve less Tee's. By the time he found a rescue party the bullet was so deep and fragmented the doctors decided not to remove it at all. It effectively ended his army career. And yes they did give him some medal for that.

I started running and doing basic exercises. It was painful. My lungs were not accustomed to it. Initially my condition worsened. I was surprised by the amount of phlegm I coughed out. Sometimes my father had to come and take me back home as I sat wheezing on the ground unable to move. But I improved. I reached a point where I could do 6 KMs around the school ground.

It took me 1 year. Most people if they are at it fully would be able to make this within couple of months.

I started keeping goal during the PT breaks. It was the least preferred job among boys. But I resolved to be good at it and I soiled my shirts.

A good goalkeeper as I learnt 1) needed to know where the right and left posts where 2) Place his defenders during the free kicks and minimize angles 3) should have good reflexes.

“Play the ball and you’ll play the player”, Patil sir would say.

In an year I was competing with Anustup for the keeper’s post. For parity Patil sir lined up us against same players. It boiled down to the decider. Anustup failed to judge Sangharsh’s kick, it went the other way.

There were 2-3 players in our team who were adept at playing with both feet. Sango was the best. He would run in and would simply aim and blast into either the left or right bracket, or wrong foot one into the other direction. It was difficult to judge as he had a similar run up for both and kind of stopped before his shot, before the right or left foot came into action. His right foot shots were like bullets so you had to commit to a jump to have a chance to stop it, but if it was his left this very jump could be your undoing.

I took my mark. I remembered the last time and instead of fear I managed a chuckle. I saw Sango mark his run up and charge into his shot. I watched his foot ankle downwards and I still remember seeing the extra half a step of his right foot going slightly back while he twitched his body to the right. I knew it was going to be his left.

I stood my ground and moved towards my right and when the shot came and punched it away. I was IN! And I could see Patil sir’s approving smile.

“Nice guess harami” Sango mouthed. I just smiled. Over the next year I stopped many of his goals and earned his respect. Some secrets are best kept hidden. I never saw anyone else stop his kicks. He was that good.

We cruised to the semis and defeated KV VSN in Bhopal region. The finals were with a team equally good (K V Kamptee).

It went down to the wire. And we won in the Penalty shootouts and I saved more than the moron in the opposite team. I was carried around the ground on shoulders. I cried like a girl in the changing room. Many of those involved didn’t remember, but were the ones who hooted me once.

I remember the day. It was raining and I jumped on every puddle I could find on the way back home. My mom couldn’t understand the fuss. Sango, Anil, Sumit qualified for the Nationals from the regional pool team.

Later on I would play center defense and right wing in my college days. And I would graduate as the best outgoing student for my participation in sports as well as acads. Funny who would have thought!

2010

I met Patil sir when I visited the school. He is nowadays in Regional K V office and is responsible for inspections and overall development of KV’s in the region. Not many sports teachers make this big. He mentioned the irony of inspecting the very school he once taught in. He lamented the lack of sports in kids nowadays and how no of computers exceeded the sports equipment in the school inventory.

He probably never knew the impact he’s had on me. And though he recalled seeing me he could not remember my name. He was taken aback when I asked him about his shoulder. “Still creaking along”, he replied with his smile.

The last I saw of him was whistling and nonchalantly walking down the corridor…

Thursday, April 29, 2010

To sir with Love... Part I

"Steady boy...Focus..and keep your eyes on the ball..steady now"

I was not steady and definitely not focused. I felt I would faint and I was nervous like hell. But Patil sir's deep baritone kept reverberating in my ears. It had a soothing effect, but not enough for that day. I could hear some boys chuckling in distance watching the spectacle. I tried to shut them out.

I missed the shot and I dived the wrong way. The boys chuckled louder.

Patil sir blew his whistle. "Lets go again. Sangharsh you are next". He was whispering to me standing behind the goal post. Sangharsh had the biggest hairy legs in the whole division and I could see him smiling. It was not kind. Years later he would be one of my best friends. But he was not one now.

"Bend your knees and breath easy..Watch his foot from ankle downwards.."

I watched his right foot, but he wrong footed me. He hit a scorcher from his left and I could not even spot the ball. Now I knew the reason for his smile. I did see the ball when it was about a foot away from my right cheek and it was too late. My head spun from the impact and I stumbled into the goal and watched in agonising slow motion as the ball slowly trickled past into the post. Someone shouted "Double goal" and I could hear shrieks of laughter. Sangharsh was doubled over and laughing his arse off.

Blood spurted from my nose and I had an attack there and then. Anand, my childhood chum managed to get my inhaler out in time and a few minutes later I could at least breath.
It was humiliating. It was painful. It was me. Later on I would watch in silence as Nikhil (the class pimp) would describe in every detail the trials to the girls in class while they giggled at my expense, conveniently forgetting to mention that he too could not make it into the team. I would looooong for the school to get over.

It was routine. I had Bronchitis when I was a kid. I could not run 10 yards without being out of breath. As a boy I longed for sports. I was ok with acads and other extracurriculars and I was competitive but I was really useless when it came to stamina and endurance. I had special concessions on PT sessions and long assembly days. I could sit and watch...

As a kid I would run out of breath in fisticuffs and boys used to harass me growing up. But that was before I gave Mohan a scar which ran across his face in 5th standard. I don't remember it as everything happened in a rush of blood, a tangle of hands, hair and legs and plenty of pent up frustration, but Anand later told me I broke a bench in the process.

Nobody bullied me ever since. I could not sleep for days remembering Mohan's bloody face after the 'deed' had been done but I was grateful to be left alone. The boys picked on somebody else after that. Nowadays Mohan has reputation of being a bully around J'nagar and I conveniently avoid bumping into him lest he remembers any of our childhood stories...

Generally bronchitis worsens during evening and night time and I remember staying up whole nights wanting like hell, but unable to sleep. I would go under blankets, assure my father that I will be ok, gave it 15 minutes and then silently creep out, switch on the night lamp and find something to read. My father else would stay up with me giving me company till I could sleep and I didn't want him to do that.

People around me still wonder why I go to sleep early. Maybe they should experience the joys of staying up whole night and fighting for breath every fighting minute of your life.

I am sure they will sleep well too and enjoy it while they do so.

Ever noticed your breathing? Breath deeply... fill your lungs. Do it please. Even now while I type I can feel the silent satisfaction of my lungs filling with air without any effort. For me its divine. Bronchitis is awful and it will teach you a lot about life. You cant breath in, you cant let air out. You get tired by the mere effort required to push air into your clogged lungs. Once you manage to get air in you need to push it out. More than the physical effort it is the mental agony that you cant stand. And then start again. Sometimes you just want to let go and not breath any more and pray to god for the trauma to be over. But you just can't stop breathing can you?
Your chest pains from the effort. Your back aches from the contractions and your body struggles from the lack of sleep. You get depressed thinking about the night ahead. I always used to tell myself 'One more'. It was simple way of not worrying about the night ahead. "Breath in..Breath out..Focus..One more". Focus on the next breath and the dark night would pass.

You watch the clock, you wait for the morning to come soon. You watch the minutes, you watch the seconds tick by. You know that it gets over by morning. Deliverance by the Sun as I used to think about it then. You can finally sleep.

And that's why I love mornings...

Bronchitis taught me a lot. It taught me to be patient, how to react when under cosh. It made me a hard nut. I can deal with any bully in workplace or elsewhere. Because I have had to deal with the mother of them all. Most of it all it all it gave me the gift of reading. I read and read and then read some more. I grew smarter...

I always used to watch sports though. I would sit in our school stadium and see the practice for hours. I loved the noise, shrieks, sledges, swearing and laughter. Then I would go home accompanying Anand who was in the team.

This was before Patil sir came to our school. He used to see me and knew my concessions at school. One day he ambled over to where I used to sit and asked me if I would like to join them. They were trialing for a goalkeeper. I was so taken aback that I could not even speak.

Patil sir was different from all the other sports teachers. He was mild and genteel. He would laugh and chat a lot with the kids and not hard nosed as most sports teachers are. But he knew where to draw a line. One hard stare and the worst of the bullies in our school would fall in line. He always carried a cane. But in 5 years of my schooling after he joined, I never saw him use it. You could find him walking without a care and usually whistling. And boy he was a whistling genius or what! He could whistle most of the songs and after practice the boys would harangue him for a demo. He would let them get desperate and then acquiesce.

I failed the trials. But still I used to accompany Anand for practice. Boys made fun of me and I sometimes smiled sheepishly and sometimes cracked self-deprecating jokes. Soon they ignored me.

But two days later Patil sir called me into his room for a chat. I don't remember most of my school mates and other details but I do remember every word he spoke that day...
It led to one of those moments I keep having now and then.

To be continued..

Saturday, April 24, 2010

J'Nagar and 'No Girls Club'

J'nagar. The place I dig more than anything in this world....

It's a small place, cut off from rest of the world with chain link fences and towers with armed guards. Not an ideal place to grow up if you want to make it 'BIG'. People there don't worry about JEE's, GATE or GMATs. Neither did I, growing up. But I ain't doing that badly, am I?

Nestled between hills and 2 small rivers with a forest reserve covering the open west end off and with magnificently sluggish way of life, it is one place where I want to be when I want to run away from the world...
When I was kid me and my buddies would occasionally cut school and trek in the hills nearby. There were small riverside beaches, forests and hideouts. A day without a discovery was a day wasted. Like Pirates we roamed our universe and made our conquests...

The earliest club we formed was 'No girls Club' with me and Andy as chairmen and the membership was limited to 6. Mainly because our headquarters (A enclave in the bushes behind the school) had space only for 6 kids. We met regularly, spoke in hushed tones in school about it, discussed black magic and all the haunted places in our vicinity, debated on how rockets flew, ghosts, worshiped Sachin and made plans to kill teachers. Membership was strictly by invitation and limited to boys. Females weren't allowed 3 reasons. They sucked, they sucked big time and they sucked hugely. Basically anybody eager to please the teachers and not having a rebel streak wasn't allowed.

Me and Andy have changed our position on women since then... considerably.

Andy my friend if you are reading this, I miss our adventures man!

It has a decent Library (which my father managed for free for 10 years!) where I spent a majority of my childhood. Before long I was into Shaw, Tolstoy and Shakespeare. And marveling at prose and poetry. We had three clubs (All free!) played footer in school, cricket in evening and badminton in night post dinner to aid digestion. I remember walks back home with my buddies and getting no dinner for being late.

By the way never noticed the 40 C heat...

We hit our beds by 10 pm and never watched TV, roamed the jungles till the chain-link fences and wondered about what lay beyond. Nowadays kids get a medal pinned if they do this and wear funny uniforms (boy scouts) while doing so.

I still don't watch TV, sitcoms or 'chat'. Neither do the other members of 'No Girls' club. I so fucking hate typing fake smiley's and weirdo chat expressions. How can you bloody replace a smiling face and the sound of laughter with a smiley? I have no clue.

Internet is the worst thing that's happened to mankind... Or maybe I am just outdated.

Andy, Sango, Ajju, Amol, Sado and Suzy (I hate that name..) would concur. (better do or I will publish the dirt I have on you guys...)

What qualifies you to the best club in the world?

You need to be a pirate first at heart. Pirates don't email or chat. They sail the seven seas, fight the sea serpents, march thru the gates of Hera, loot the treasures on offer, ogle at the mermaids and go nuts on the first sight of adventure. Rains, thunders, mountainous swells don't deter them. Aye, they dive straight into it and make a meal of it.

They have no homes and prefer the open sky and stars overhead when they sleep. Oh for the smell of salty breeze, and the spray of surf and the feel of sand! Bull rushes, fearlessness, impulsiveness, curiousness are the signs. They dont mind getting beaten, but getting beat up? No sir! They ride fast, think fast and live fast. They don't avoid Kraken, they bloody ride it.

Ups and downs, comradeship, Danger, adventure, thrills, spills, we dare the Poseidon and flip the bird to Zeus. They can kill us, but they can't take us. Take whatever you can, Leave nothing behind!

I am going to take my pilgrimage today. Visit our old enclave and catch up with the members..

So many friends wonder why I don't ever call or mail when I am at home. How can I be such a incommunicado?
---
---
You need to be a Pirate first. Membership open...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Ode to the departed II

I like the way you look tonight,
Everything about you is so right
The way you glance, the way tilt your head
forbidden rose petals, your lips so red

Tis' just the way you look at me
Eyes like the untold depths of a sea
Your voice is like the gentle gurgle of a stream
your beautiful smile haunts me in my dream

Why do you have to go, why do we have to part?
Memories of you tear apart my heart
Stolen glances, sleepless nights, time spent talking to you
now seem so futile, so far apart and so few

Yet I know you must go and I understand you a lot
Still I regret, for the heart knows reasons, that mind does not
Before the cold iron of reason, my heart doesn't bow
It will follow you, it will pursue you, wherever you go

Adieu my sweetheart, raven-haired assassin , my FRIEND
Life's mysterious road, never know whats beyond the next bend
Fervently hope there are better things in store for you..
In all things that are old and those will be new.

Now I am done... Yesterday was good, today was better, all the more reason to expect a better tomorrow...
So apt for my mood today....

I see you walking thru the door,
Why won't you look across the floor?
I've got to tell you how I feel.
Oh baby! you are the only one for me...

I wanna get closer to you
I need to be closer to you
I've got to tell you how I feel.
Oh baby! you are the only one for me...

S,E and L in Karthik calling Karthik


brrr... will sleep now

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Old Astronomer to His Pupil

.
Reach me down my Tycho Brahe, I would know him when we meet,
When I share my later science, sitting humbly at his feet;
He may know the law of all things, yet be ignorant of how
We are working to completion, working on from then to now.

Pray remember that I leave you all my theory complete,
Lacking only certain data for your adding, as is meet,
And remember men will scorn it, 'tis original and true,
And the obloquy of newness may fall bitterly on you.

But, my pupil, as my pupil you have learned the worth of scorn,
You have laughed with me at pity, we have joyed to be forlorn,
What for us are all distractions of men's fellowship and smiles;
What for us the Goddess Pleasure with her meretricious smiles!

You may tell that German College that their honor comes too late,
But they must not waste repentance on the grizzly savant's fate.
Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

Sarah Williams

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Goodbye marketRx!!

.
And so it ends...
I have put in my papers. And like any relationship I was having blues when I did so. But now just a lingering sense of disappointment. The realization of what it could have been, instead of what it turned out to be.

It's been tumultuous (nearly) 4 years. We joined the company when it was really small and the environment great. There was this spark. And I speak here for my entire batch. I remember me and Amit slogging till 4 in morn and on weekends.
But we were happy!

We ignored other job offers, higher pay cheques and still slogged. Slogged for 3 more years. What changed in between?
I have had chance to think about it for about 6 months. I think what made us stay was the presence of great leaders. They trusted us and they took risks. Most of the people in our batch were interacting and were leading from the front on many projects. We worked and worked and then worked some more...

Then the company suddenly grew big. We got acquired and a bunch of mediocre 'managers' came in. They were managers and not leaders. They did not have domain knowledge or the technical skills to guide/ mentor us nor were they excellent in project management.

Suddenly the 'spark' went out and so did risk taking. We were told that we have learned enough and now was the time to consolidate.
And we bought that...

It took an year and and half to uncover that lie. We ended up managing teams and developing methodologies. And these 'managers' took credit for that. They clicked buttons in ESA and pretended to be busy.

With time we realized that the world had overtaken us. We knew excel and data processing, but we didnt know the domain. We were kept busy. They could not afford to let us breath or think. We were not allowed time to learn. There was this idea to have weekly company level presentations for knowledge sharing so that people interested in those could at least keep tab of what was happening in industry. I remember one of this 'managers'' vehemently opposing the idea on the grounds that such knowledge should not be distributed freely.

Last July I had BP problems. And I was 26...

So I started to think. I first abandoned my team. It was difficult. I had built it from scratch and trained them from zero. Everybody told me I was a fool, afterall I was someday going to inherit that team. But that was like a carrot hung ahead of a donkey's eyes to keep it focussed on the road. So we focused on the road and forgot the competition on the lanes beside us. The competition got ahead and we followed the carrot. I was one of those who dared to look away, but it was too late..

I started talking to people. I saw people who could think. I saw people who knew stuff. I saw people who could manage.

Thats when I decided to leave this company. But it was difficult. We didnt have the skills, or the domain knowledge, the drive or the time required for such a move. Most importantly we lost the ability to think for ourselves.

It took some time, a lot of weekends and lot of perseverance. But I have made it out of the hole I dug for myself and covered my heads with. I've broken thru the bubble.

There are people I would miss. There is camaraderie I would long for. There is visibility I will have to work hard for.

But then I am not going to shy away. It's funny I am more like what I was in my college days now than I have ever been in marketRx. And I am taking risks. I will make sure I stay like this. And did I mention, I am nowadays at peace. I am able to sleep.

It's a amusing situation. I resent what marketRx made me into, I resent what I allowed myself to be. But this is a new dawn. This is a new start. This a new morn. And I am happy!

Almost...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Women!!!!

I don't get them... ever.

They can frustrate you. I have no clue about what in this world can you do to get them interested in you. You pay them a few compliments and then they think of themselves as a combination of Cleopatra, Monica Belucci, Queen Nefereti and Helen of troy.
Doesn't matter if you are smarter than the average Joe in the street, doesn't matter if you are 'The Man' in the crowd, doesn't matter if you are interested to know them rather than have a fling, doesn't matter if you drive 25 KMs in scorching Delhi heat to just get them flowers on their birthday, so that they don't end up missing home.

In fact if you do any of the above things or even remotely express an iota of interest in them, they will assume you are shit and your 'ranking' will go down.

I don't get them,... I seriously don't. I had a good mix of friends in engineering. Some of my friends were absolute jerks, some of them romantics and some of them real gentlemen. Of the first variety you only had to see them with your own eyes to believe how they treated their GFs. I sometime even felt disgusted by their behavior, and it never was my business to interfere. But yeah, they always got the girls.

And let me say this, good guys always lose. I will bloody swear by it. There are only so many cases where I have seen otherwise.

It is even so bloody difficult to be a friend, so at least you get to know if it's all wrapping and no substance.

So I decided I wont get involved. Why burn your fingers? The last wounds haven't even filled. So what if they seem to be creative/ talented/ brainy (The type I fall for, and yep I know I am a dork).
They might not be good judge of character. So I steel myself and look towards a new day, a new approach. I do a few more push-ups, speed on my bike a bit more, and splurge a little. Yep I will survive and ... blah..blah...

But then they bloody smile and your heart skips a beat.

And all is right in the world....
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
W Shakespeare

Sunday, March 28, 2010

'We had the best of educations ... Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different branches of Arithmetic: Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.'
Mock Turtle, Alice in Wonderland

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Finding peace....: Part I

I've been thinking and I am confused now... and that in many ways leads to a blog.

First on the topic of blogging itself. It really takes a lot of emotional turbulence to shake something out of me. I make a lot of notes and only a few see the light of the day thru a blog. I will and would write a book someday, but as a profession I could never do it. My experience is that as soon as you get paid for doing something the zing just goes out of it...

I am confused now. What happens if you want something desperately? As far as I am concerned these overpowering urges come on suddenly. You may be talking to a friend one day, or enjoying a quite evening besides a lake, quietly sipping tea in front of your favorite chaiwallah or staring at the stars or be in office making a stupid proposal.

The idea swoops down on your mind like an eagle after it's prey. It's overpowering and it's like a flood has been released onto your consciousness and it has swept you off your feet. It sort of engulfs you. You try to reason with it. You use logical deductions and arguments and they all fail you. Not because they are not correct, just that you cant reason with your madness. Pascal, the mathematician had it summarized best...

“The heart has reasons that reason cannot know.”

You want it so bad that your guts ache for it, you are ready to run miles on a desert for it. What if you could not sleep at all? What if it keeps feeding on your positivity and you yearn for it so hard that it makes everything else in your life superficial. I hate these urges and the moments that accompany them.

Don't get me wrong. I must thank them instead. They have led me to a position of strength to strength. I am a believer of the theory that assuming a normal natural distribution of luck in the overall population any normal individual can achieve success. Of course Luck is 'Latent' variable and measured relatively. In normal words God gifts us with our own unique set of talents. But it is the capability to motivate oneself is the differentiator in general which separates the ones who have tasted success and the ones who have not.

These periods have always blessed me with the ability to change some aspect of my life. They in short have provided me with the 'motivation'. And I always have come out a better individual. However they have more or less led to heart-breaks too. And when that happens life sucks... like a negative Dirac Delta pulse it uber sucks...

So far as I can remember here are the occasions where I have suffered these attacks...
1) Talking to my school chum in IX standard--> NDA
2) Sipping tea in front of Shivajinagar railway station- 'The soccer match' against e/c
3) Sitting besides Powai lake enjoying a quite evening in Mumbai--> GATE
4) Driving home after a late night at my office--> Job Change
5) Creating a proposal in my office recently (last Friday)--> Well I will keep this to myself for now

It is the last incident which has troubled me now. Its unique and it seems to be overpowering me. I hope it was a exam, or a job interview, or a Physical exercise, or a mathematical problem. I would have known how to tackle it. I would have dived into it and allowed it to consume my thoughts and my life. More or less I would have known what to do. I may have failed or succeeded but I do not usually care about that. I am usually OK till I know what I am doing.
However this is different and unusual. How can you influence somebody? I do not know. In fact this time I have to rely on somebody else to make a decision which will influence my happiness. It's selfish, it's in a way self centered and it can't be bought by money, power or any physical effort. I can only present my case. The decision however lies with the jury.

This scares the shit out of me.
So here is what I do. A decision tree model or a fish bone analysis. I recount and make a list of all things that worked for me in the past and those which didn't. This in itself is monumental.
Hopefully this should give me the strength to live thru it. Also should help with future attacks

Hopefully...

Sunday, March 21, 2010

“Honey- You know these love letters mix with whisky, just don't light a match when you kiss me.”

-Bon Jovi