I've been thinking and I am confused now... and that in many ways leads to a blog.
First on the topic of blogging itself. It really takes a lot of emotional turbulence to shake something out of me. I make a lot of notes and only a few see the light of the day thru a blog. I will and would write a book someday, but as a profession I could never do it. My experience is that as soon as you get paid for doing something the zing just goes out of it...
I am confused now. What happens if you want something desperately? As far as I am concerned these overpowering urges come on suddenly. You may be talking to a friend one day, or enjoying a quite evening besides a lake, quietly sipping tea in front of your favorite chaiwallah or staring at the stars or be in office making a stupid proposal.
The idea swoops down on your mind like an eagle after it's prey. It's overpowering and it's like a flood has been released onto your consciousness and it has swept you off your feet. It sort of engulfs you. You try to reason with it. You use logical deductions and arguments and they all fail you. Not because they are not correct, just that you cant reason with your madness. Pascal, the mathematician had it summarized best...
“The heart has reasons that reason cannot know.”
You want it so bad that your guts ache for it, you are ready to run miles on a desert for it. What if you could not sleep at all? What if it keeps feeding on your positivity and you yearn for it so hard that it makes everything else in your life superficial. I hate these urges and the moments that accompany them.
Don't get me wrong. I must thank them instead. They have led me to a position of strength to strength. I am a believer of the theory that assuming a normal natural distribution of luck in the overall population any normal individual can achieve success. Of course Luck is 'Latent' variable and measured relatively. In normal words God gifts us with our own unique set of talents. But it is the capability to motivate oneself is the differentiator in general which separates the ones who have tasted success and the ones who have not.
These periods have always blessed me with the ability to change some aspect of my life. They in short have provided me with the 'motivation'. And I always have come out a better individual. However they have more or less led to heart-breaks too. And when that happens life sucks... like a negative Dirac Delta pulse it uber sucks...
So far as I can remember here are the occasions where I have suffered these attacks...
1) Talking to my school chum in IX standard--> NDA
2) Sipping tea in front of Shivajinagar railway station- 'The soccer match' against e/c
3) Sitting besides Powai lake enjoying a quite evening in Mumbai--> GATE
4) Driving home after a late night at my office--> Job Change
5) Creating a proposal in my office recently (last Friday)--> Well I will keep this to myself for now
It is the last incident which has troubled me now. Its unique and it seems to be overpowering me. I hope it was a exam, or a job interview, or a Physical exercise, or a mathematical problem. I would have known how to tackle it. I would have dived into it and allowed it to consume my thoughts and my life. More or less I would have known what to do. I may have failed or succeeded but I do not usually care about that. I am usually OK till I know what I am doing.
However this is different and unusual. How can you influence somebody? I do not know. In fact this time I have to rely on somebody else to make a decision which will influence my happiness. It's selfish, it's in a way self centered and it can't be bought by money, power or any physical effort. I can only present my case. The decision however lies with the jury.
This scares the shit out of me.
So here is what I do. A decision tree model or a fish bone analysis. I recount and make a list of all things that worked for me in the past and those which didn't. This in itself is monumental.
Hopefully this should give me the strength to live thru it. Also should help with future attacks
Hopefully...
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