.
And so it ends...
I have put in my papers. And like any relationship I was having blues when I did so. But now just a lingering sense of disappointment. The realization of what it could have been, instead of what it turned out to be.
It's been tumultuous (nearly) 4 years. We joined the company when it was really small and the environment great. There was this spark. And I speak here for my entire batch. I remember me and Amit slogging till 4 in morn and on weekends.
But we were happy!
We ignored other job offers, higher pay cheques and still slogged. Slogged for 3 more years. What changed in between?
I have had chance to think about it for about 6 months. I think what made us stay was the presence of great leaders. They trusted us and they took risks. Most of the people in our batch were interacting and were leading from the front on many projects. We worked and worked and then worked some more...
Then the company suddenly grew big. We got acquired and a bunch of mediocre 'managers' came in. They were managers and not leaders. They did not have domain knowledge or the technical skills to guide/ mentor us nor were they excellent in project management.
Suddenly the 'spark' went out and so did risk taking. We were told that we have learned enough and now was the time to consolidate.
And we bought that...
It took an year and and half to uncover that lie. We ended up managing teams and developing methodologies. And these 'managers' took credit for that. They clicked buttons in ESA and pretended to be busy.
With time we realized that the world had overtaken us. We knew excel and data processing, but we didnt know the domain. We were kept busy. They could not afford to let us breath or think. We were not allowed time to learn. There was this idea to have weekly company level presentations for knowledge sharing so that people interested in those could at least keep tab of what was happening in industry. I remember one of this 'managers'' vehemently opposing the idea on the grounds that such knowledge should not be distributed freely.
Last July I had BP problems. And I was 26...
So I started to think. I first abandoned my team. It was difficult. I had built it from scratch and trained them from zero. Everybody told me I was a fool, afterall I was someday going to inherit that team. But that was like a carrot hung ahead of a donkey's eyes to keep it focussed on the road. So we focused on the road and forgot the competition on the lanes beside us. The competition got ahead and we followed the carrot. I was one of those who dared to look away, but it was too late..
I started talking to people. I saw people who could think. I saw people who knew stuff. I saw people who could manage.
Thats when I decided to leave this company. But it was difficult. We didnt have the skills, or the domain knowledge, the drive or the time required for such a move. Most importantly we lost the ability to think for ourselves.
It took some time, a lot of weekends and lot of perseverance. But I have made it out of the hole I dug for myself and covered my heads with. I've broken thru the bubble.
There are people I would miss. There is camaraderie I would long for. There is visibility I will have to work hard for.
But then I am not going to shy away. It's funny I am more like what I was in my college days now than I have ever been in marketRx. And I am taking risks. I will make sure I stay like this. And did I mention, I am nowadays at peace. I am able to sleep.
It's a amusing situation. I resent what marketRx made me into, I resent what I allowed myself to be. But this is a new dawn. This is a new start. This a new morn. And I am happy!
Almost...
