That sinking feeling...

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from indomitable will."

M. G. Gandhi

It stayed away for about a year. But now it is back in full force.

Getting that sinking feeling again...

The feeling of inadequacy, the feeling of not doing enough, the want to compete, the innate hunger within to break through the bonds that hold you to your circumstances...

The restlessness, the feeling of being tied down, the invisible itch which won't let me rest or allow me a moment of peace. The urge to pick up a fight, the stupid hope that somebody would put forward a challenge. I am having weird dreams about climbing up mountains, falling thru endlessness. Normally I don't even remember them. Its eating me up.

I am in best possible position professionally, personally or financially in years. Only the other day I was thinking that I can be content now. It was another of those meaningless plane journeys where I thought over my life. Now everything seems so worthwhile.

I had to work while I studied in engineering. The competition, the pressure of a job, the shit economy and general hopelessness in the country. I survived that. I did my masters. I got a job. I managed to fund my sister's education, her marriage and make grades at work.

Now I am engaged, free of financial obligations and with a reasonably good job. The other day I had my appraisals and it went better than what I expected. Our house in Kerala is complete, my investments finally growing and my second house on the way.

People are born into circumstances. Depending on the pluck and inner mongrel and some luck you can break out of the social bracket you are born into.

I am an atheist. I believe in only one God. The God inside you. It your magnanimity, your maturity, your courage and your values which can make you or break you. Everybody has to play the cards he has been dealt with. If you can control the small man inside all of us, who constantly bickers, questions, complains and gets depressed over circumstances, you can win.

And so I thought on the plane. I have done it. With ample help from my hard working and proud parents. Maybe I hoped, vaguely at best, that I may find the inner peace which has eluded me the day I saw 2nd semester results. I was strangely happy that day and looking forward to the next phase in life.

It was until RB left.

He was my manager till recently. One of the most smart people I had the pleasure of coming across. He is a tough negotiator and fairly assertive person. He is smarter than me.

Smartness than be in terms of 2 very different skills: Your social skills and your IQ. In theory both are orthogonal. Truly blessed are people who are gifted equally and greatly in both regards.

RB is smart on both fronts.

He's made a huge jump career wise. I was insanely jealous though there is gulf of difference between him and me experience or skill set wise. By now I have figured out that things do not happen automatically.

He gave me pointed and terse tips for my career. All of it spot on. It's been 3 years since anybody made any sense to me in terms of advice. He also told me that I am way ahead of people at my level and would be happy to serve as a reference in future if needed. We parted on great terms. And since then I have been having this fucking depressive feeling.

I know what it is. I want to be like him. He must have an insanely good renumeration. But I really do not give a shit to that. I want to be as good socially as I have seen him to be. I want to be able to connect and communicate as effectively. I want to be able to size up people and seize moments as quickly and correctly as him. I want to look at a situation and be ready for it. I want to be able to make sense as effectively and be able to negotiate as effectively. Oh and by the way I want to play cricket as good as him.

I am dumb enough to admit when I am in awe of people. I appreciate the man as I knew him. It's my journey and I want to make my life as grand as him. I have seen the next level of life and the challenges ahead and I find myself hopelessly short. Just like Engg, just like when I had earn and save enough to my sister and when we were building a home.

I am nervous, I can't sleep, I can't focus on work, I am agitated and I have no clue on how to attack the problem at hand. Real world skills like these are built by practicing and subjecting yourself to a life of astute observation and depth of your thought process. There are no books you can read or exams you can pass.

I have often worked with brilliant people, indeed it is the bane of being in a industry as this to meet people regularly from places like IITs and IIMs. However RB is one of the few who has made me feel out of depth and I thankful for that. I did not get here by warming my butt.

I will make it big. Its not over confidence, nor it is arrogance. I just know it in my heart. I knew that in Pune during my evenings on Z bridge, I knew that even when the Univ Topper in my senior batch did not get a job, I knew that when we were not allowed for Infy campus interviews, I knew that even in the most depressive of circumstances.

I am not sure if I have, or if I will eventually. But one thing's for sure that I would give it one hell of a swing...