Women!!!!

I don't get them... ever.

They can frustrate you. I have no clue about what in this world can you do to get them interested in you. You pay them a few compliments and then they think of themselves as a combination of Cleopatra, Monica Belucci, Queen Nefereti and Helen of troy.
Doesn't matter if you are smarter than the average Joe in the street, doesn't matter if you are 'The Man' in the crowd, doesn't matter if you are interested to know them rather than have a fling, doesn't matter if you drive 25 KMs in scorching Delhi heat to just get them flowers on their birthday, so that they don't end up missing home.

In fact if you do any of the above things or even remotely express an iota of interest in them, they will assume you are shit and your 'ranking' will go down.

I don't get them,... I seriously don't. I had a good mix of friends in engineering. Some of my friends were absolute jerks, some of them romantics and some of them real gentlemen. Of the first variety you only had to see them with your own eyes to believe how they treated their GFs. I sometime even felt disgusted by their behavior, and it never was my business to interfere. But yeah, they always got the girls.

And let me say this, good guys always lose. I will bloody swear by it. There are only so many cases where I have seen otherwise.

It is even so bloody difficult to be a friend, so at least you get to know if it's all wrapping and no substance.

So I decided I wont get involved. Why burn your fingers? The last wounds haven't even filled. So what if they seem to be creative/ talented/ brainy (The type I fall for, and yep I know I am a dork).
They might not be good judge of character. So I steel myself and look towards a new day, a new approach. I do a few more push-ups, speed on my bike a bit more, and splurge a little. Yep I will survive and ... blah..blah...

But then they bloody smile and your heart skips a beat.

And all is right in the world....

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
W Shakespeare

'We had the best of educations ... Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different branches of Arithmetic: Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.'

Mock Turtle, Alice in Wonderland

Finding peace....: Part I

I've been thinking and I am confused now... and that in many ways leads to a blog.

First on the topic of blogging itself. It really takes a lot of emotional turbulence to shake something out of me. I make a lot of notes and only a few see the light of the day thru a blog. I will and would write a book someday, but as a profession I could never do it. My experience is that as soon as you get paid for doing something the zing just goes out of it...

I am confused now. What happens if you want something desperately? As far as I am concerned these overpowering urges come on suddenly. You may be talking to a friend one day, or enjoying a quite evening besides a lake, quietly sipping tea in front of your favorite chaiwallah or staring at the stars or be in office making a stupid proposal.

The idea swoops down on your mind like an eagle after it's prey. It's overpowering and it's like a flood has been released onto your consciousness and it has swept you off your feet. It sort of engulfs you. You try to reason with it. You use logical deductions and arguments and they all fail you. Not because they are not correct, just that you cant reason with your madness. Pascal, the mathematician had it summarized best...

“The heart has reasons that reason cannot know.”

You want it so bad that your guts ache for it, you are ready to run miles on a desert for it. What if you could not sleep at all? What if it keeps feeding on your positivity and you yearn for it so hard that it makes everything else in your life superficial. I hate these urges and the moments that accompany them.

Don't get me wrong. I must thank them instead. They have led me to a position of strength to strength. I am a believer of the theory that assuming a normal natural distribution of luck in the overall population any normal individual can achieve success. Of course Luck is 'Latent' variable and measured relatively. In normal words God gifts us with our own unique set of talents. But it is the capability to motivate oneself is the differentiator in general which separates the ones who have tasted success and the ones who have not.

These periods have always blessed me with the ability to change some aspect of my life. They in short have provided me with the 'motivation'. And I always have come out a better individual. However they have more or less led to heart-breaks too. And when that happens life sucks... like a negative Dirac Delta pulse it uber sucks...

So far as I can remember here are the occasions where I have suffered these attacks...
1) Talking to my school chum in IX standard--> NDA
2) Sipping tea in front of Shivajinagar railway station- 'The soccer match' against e/c
3) Sitting besides Powai lake enjoying a quite evening in Mumbai--> GATE
4) Driving home after a late night at my office--> Job Change
5) Creating a proposal in my office recently (last Friday)--> Well I will keep this to myself for now

It is the last incident which has troubled me now. Its unique and it seems to be overpowering me. I hope it was a exam, or a job interview, or a Physical exercise, or a mathematical problem. I would have known how to tackle it. I would have dived into it and allowed it to consume my thoughts and my life. More or less I would have known what to do. I may have failed or succeeded but I do not usually care about that. I am usually OK till I know what I am doing.
However this is different and unusual. How can you influence somebody? I do not know. In fact this time I have to rely on somebody else to make a decision which will influence my happiness. It's selfish, it's in a way self centered and it can't be bought by money, power or any physical effort. I can only present my case. The decision however lies with the jury.

This scares the shit out of me.
So here is what I do. A decision tree model or a fish bone analysis. I recount and make a list of all things that worked for me in the past and those which didn't. This in itself is monumental.
Hopefully this should give me the strength to live thru it. Also should help with future attacks

Hopefully...

“Honey- You know these love letters mix with whisky, just don't light a match when you kiss me.”

-Bon Jovi