I want to write a book!!

I want to write a book!!

After thinking and discarding about a thousand lines to start my blog this is the finally the one I decided would grace the title. Seems quite OK to me because it’s really been quite some time, since I’ve harbored such ambitions of late. Also some useful writing practice can be gained and the results be assessed before I decide to unleash my thoughts on a much larger scale. It was only imperative that at some time I pass some of the enlightened wisdom gained over 20+ odd precocious years to the general populace, hoi polloi, the lambs, the bulls, the beagles, the beasts……

There are reasons why people hate me. And I believe from the lofty perch of my heightened wisdom, when I look upon them (with a fair amount of disdain!), I’ve found them to be under ill informed or simply their vociferousness can be attributed to their naivety in understanding my revolutionary albeit repulsive views. For most of my uneventful life I’ve never understood half of the things I’ve said. So this should be seen as the first step towards, chronicling my epoch making views (or bumbling blabbering?) I find myself dutibound to inform you that I was always good at alliteration. As early as 6^th standard I managed to offend my English teacher by calling her monstrous Mary to the general consternation of class. It was definitely not my fault as it was she who pressed me to provide an example of the same and in the process aroused me from my deep slumber. Then and there I learnt my first lesson of life “Never be truthful to women, because they definitely are not and they don’t expect you to be” at the expense and great discomfort of a thoroughly executed spanking.

Yes the language has a definite “Reginald-ian” touch to it. But the refined cruelty has been toned down a bit for all those with a weak hearts. I would rather offend them later (when I release my book!) and I want them to be alive a little while longer.

Now that we have immersed ourselves in a engrossing discussion about the literature and writing, it would be a shame if we do not show an idiotic curiosity of how it all originated. It is generally believed that Mesopotamians invented cuneiform (fooling around with clay tablets), the earliest form of writing. It was mostly used for account keeping and stuff, and I can imagine a Meso-pot-whatever child peeing on a clay tablet one fine morning and the whole grocery bill getting wasted. I wonder whether they would have taken all these pains if they knew they would be swatted out by Arabs someday. Our Chinese bros haven’t been far behind. Experts (experts? Bah!) have digged up some carved some turtle shells and have accused them of being intelligent enough to write. A gross insult I must say, considering the fact they still read it all wrong (up to down, than left to right!) and draw weird figures instead of commonly accepted letters. And lest the accusation be true a highly plausible way to punish our Chinese friends in hell would be to allow all those wronged turtles to have a thorough chew on their arses.

How can be Indians in their right sense be behind? The Indus valley folks left behind something wiggly wobbly on their walls, and experts have accused them too. As far as I know (OK, OK Wikipedia!) no smart Alec has come forward with some figment of imagination and proclaiming that he or she has decoded that. We Indians have been good at copying, and even better at not getting caught. Talking about imagination I often rue the fact there are very less women experts in this field, (may be there are no ‘Men’ millionaires in this field) for I ardently believe that they are blessed with imagination and higher tendency to lie. Indeed had they been, the Indus valley scripts could have found the light of the day. If you ask me in all its probability these weird pictures might have been used to induce bowel movements in patients suffering from the agonies of constipation. Well I’ve had my share of skeptics. But then every man ahead of his time was made to suffer!

I guess for starters this would do. Ye may all hold thy heads and be eternally grateful. Anyways I was never interested in adulation. Can’t say the same for money though!